You are right. In TEN YEARS, not one single man contacted by either Dominique Pelicot or any of the 72 rapists on the videos investigators found (because don't tell me they didn't brag) was troubled enough to tell the police or get word to Giselle Pelicot herself. Not one. Truly, I'm finding the "not all men" argument less convincing all the time.
It is a rather chilling thought. I can’t imagine what Gisèle Pelicot must have felt when she was told what had happened and how no one who knew moved a finger to stop it, including the men who rejected Dominique Pelicot’s offer.
Thank you for reading it. I can see it wasn't the lighthearted piece most of us are in the mood for coming the holidays, but there's never a good time to talk about difficult subjects.
Wheww that's an article! Very well written and I couldn't agree more. Thanks for putting this into words! I hope people don't ignore this because "it's the holidays, only positive and light hearted things to read" , because this is worth it
Thank you for reading it, Barbs. I was a bit hesitant whether to publish it at a time when everyone is in a festive mindset because it may not be noticed and it’s an important topic. Then I thought there is never a good time to talk about difficult subjects so I may as well go ahead.
For years I fell into the trap of the “not all men” saying. It seeps into your actions too (e.g. I don’t need to cross the street, im a nice guy, im no threat). Until I had a series of conversations with my wife on the subject and she was open and honest about what she goes through and has gone through on a daily basis that completely opened my eyes to how naive I’d been. It shouldn’t have been on her to explain it to me either.
Honestly I think a public campaign is required, a bit like the “don’t drink and drive” campaigns you see on tv, to get it in to men’s heads that it’s on each of us to do better.
Thanks so much for reading, Gareth. Glad to hear that you and your wife had an open conversation about it. It's not always easy to let a man we love know about all the extra baggage we carry as women, often because we don't want them to worry but also because we are afraid they may not understand or think we are exaggerating the perceived dangers of just existing and doing normal things. I'm sure your wife feels very fortunate to have someone like you by her side.
I couldn't agree more about shouting out loud about these issues. Not only to point fingers and accuse but to raise awareness and ask ourselves which kind of world we want to build and how we can make it safer for everyone.
I fear that progressive issues like this are on the back burner once again, waved away under the umbrella of “lefty nonsense”. Confusing safety for women with a “war on masculinity”. It’s maddening yet predictable.
People refuse to believe women can even SA, but especially not a man, so there's that hurdle too. And it's not just men. I've talked to women who can't believe it's possible. I had to learn it myself, through accounts from male victims. I believe them. But we often approach these much differently. Think of the hot teacher & her male student trope & how it's often portrayed in media as not bad for the boy, when in fact it is. It's still an adult with a minor.
Also distantly related, I finished a book by a FBI profiler who explains that they've yet to find a female serial killer who violently SA's her victim before killing them. Despite that being a femme fatale trope (and thus fantasy).
Whereas we all know, a serial killer is most likely to be a man. Or even a regular murderer (I think?) Certainly you can find databases for how many women are killed by men each year, but I have looked & not found the opposite database, of women murdering men/ boys *though of course that must happen too.
Thanks so much for this considered comment and the great points you've made.
While women are also capable of exerting violence on others (and unfortunately we've seen terrible headlines about mothers killing their children) there seems to be more of an unfortunate exception than the rule.
And at the same time I think there is also a bigger stigma for men who they've been victims of violence from a woman as society has conditioned us to think that men have to be dominant and therefore we tend to either shame them or not believe them.
Very interesting how patriarchal views shape our notion of who can credibly exert violence on others and the example you've mentioned of female teachers engaging in relationships with young boys is a case in point. Even when it's mutually consensual there is something so wrong about an adult person (men or woman) engaging in a romantic relationship with someone under age because there is a clear imbalance of power and you can't be 100% the underage person is making the decision to enter that relationship freely without being subtly manipulated or coerced.
Yes, men being allowed to be victims & heal has been a major part in my writing since I learned about it. An excellent piece "The Rape of James Bond" by Sophia McDougall really opened my eyes to this.
This is not to downplay the harm done to girls & women, or Trans people, by the way.
There is no ruler when it comes to trauma or victim hood. All deserve to be heard and cared for. And men & boys by far are told "it's not a problem" and "don't be weak" when it is a problem & expressing emotion other than anger is healthy & vital.
Thanks Monica, I wish more men would have commented on this case and their silence really prompted me to reflect on why it’s on women to fight this battle alone. It shouldn’t be like that.
Wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world where no one has to worry about SA or R?That's my fantasy. I'm writing a novel with that concept in mind. I like to think that's a world decent men want too. Let's all get behind it & make it real.
You are right. In TEN YEARS, not one single man contacted by either Dominique Pelicot or any of the 72 rapists on the videos investigators found (because don't tell me they didn't brag) was troubled enough to tell the police or get word to Giselle Pelicot herself. Not one. Truly, I'm finding the "not all men" argument less convincing all the time.
It is a rather chilling thought. I can’t imagine what Gisèle Pelicot must have felt when she was told what had happened and how no one who knew moved a finger to stop it, including the men who rejected Dominique Pelicot’s offer.
This was so good. (Couldn't face before Christmas, I'm afraid); and your comment about Emmanuel Carrière is spot on.
Thank you for reading it. I can see it wasn't the lighthearted piece most of us are in the mood for coming the holidays, but there's never a good time to talk about difficult subjects.
Wheww that's an article! Very well written and I couldn't agree more. Thanks for putting this into words! I hope people don't ignore this because "it's the holidays, only positive and light hearted things to read" , because this is worth it
Thank you for reading it, Barbs. I was a bit hesitant whether to publish it at a time when everyone is in a festive mindset because it may not be noticed and it’s an important topic. Then I thought there is never a good time to talk about difficult subjects so I may as well go ahead.
Really great piece. Thanks Cristina.
For years I fell into the trap of the “not all men” saying. It seeps into your actions too (e.g. I don’t need to cross the street, im a nice guy, im no threat). Until I had a series of conversations with my wife on the subject and she was open and honest about what she goes through and has gone through on a daily basis that completely opened my eyes to how naive I’d been. It shouldn’t have been on her to explain it to me either.
Honestly I think a public campaign is required, a bit like the “don’t drink and drive” campaigns you see on tv, to get it in to men’s heads that it’s on each of us to do better.
Thanks so much for reading, Gareth. Glad to hear that you and your wife had an open conversation about it. It's not always easy to let a man we love know about all the extra baggage we carry as women, often because we don't want them to worry but also because we are afraid they may not understand or think we are exaggerating the perceived dangers of just existing and doing normal things. I'm sure your wife feels very fortunate to have someone like you by her side.
I couldn't agree more about shouting out loud about these issues. Not only to point fingers and accuse but to raise awareness and ask ourselves which kind of world we want to build and how we can make it safer for everyone.
I think I’m the lucky one tbh haha.
I fear that progressive issues like this are on the back burner once again, waved away under the umbrella of “lefty nonsense”. Confusing safety for women with a “war on masculinity”. It’s maddening yet predictable.
Hear hear!!!
People refuse to believe women can even SA, but especially not a man, so there's that hurdle too. And it's not just men. I've talked to women who can't believe it's possible. I had to learn it myself, through accounts from male victims. I believe them. But we often approach these much differently. Think of the hot teacher & her male student trope & how it's often portrayed in media as not bad for the boy, when in fact it is. It's still an adult with a minor.
Also distantly related, I finished a book by a FBI profiler who explains that they've yet to find a female serial killer who violently SA's her victim before killing them. Despite that being a femme fatale trope (and thus fantasy).
Whereas we all know, a serial killer is most likely to be a man. Or even a regular murderer (I think?) Certainly you can find databases for how many women are killed by men each year, but I have looked & not found the opposite database, of women murdering men/ boys *though of course that must happen too.
Thanks so much for this considered comment and the great points you've made.
While women are also capable of exerting violence on others (and unfortunately we've seen terrible headlines about mothers killing their children) there seems to be more of an unfortunate exception than the rule.
And at the same time I think there is also a bigger stigma for men who they've been victims of violence from a woman as society has conditioned us to think that men have to be dominant and therefore we tend to either shame them or not believe them.
Very interesting how patriarchal views shape our notion of who can credibly exert violence on others and the example you've mentioned of female teachers engaging in relationships with young boys is a case in point. Even when it's mutually consensual there is something so wrong about an adult person (men or woman) engaging in a romantic relationship with someone under age because there is a clear imbalance of power and you can't be 100% the underage person is making the decision to enter that relationship freely without being subtly manipulated or coerced.
Yes, men being allowed to be victims & heal has been a major part in my writing since I learned about it. An excellent piece "The Rape of James Bond" by Sophia McDougall really opened my eyes to this.
This is not to downplay the harm done to girls & women, or Trans people, by the way.
There is no ruler when it comes to trauma or victim hood. All deserve to be heard and cared for. And men & boys by far are told "it's not a problem" and "don't be weak" when it is a problem & expressing emotion other than anger is healthy & vital.
Amazing, standing ovation to you! 👏🏼👏🏼 Nothing else to add...
Thanks Monica, I wish more men would have commented on this case and their silence really prompted me to reflect on why it’s on women to fight this battle alone. It shouldn’t be like that.
Absolutely!!
Wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world where no one has to worry about SA or R?That's my fantasy. I'm writing a novel with that concept in mind. I like to think that's a world decent men want too. Let's all get behind it & make it real.